The Anxiety Chain

Hello little blog, it’s been a while.

Life has been pretty wild lately. I graduated with my associates degree from community college with honors. I traveled to Texas with my mom to visit a bunch of family. I attended San Diego Comic Con, my ninth year in a row, with my dad and my best friend. I turned 21 and celebrated with friends and family. We adventured to a wild animal sanctuary near our town and got to see lions, tigers, bears, and other awesome animals. I relaxed and spent time with family… then I moved.

It’s really strange. For twenty-one years of my life I had been at home, in my bedroom with all my things, knowing my parents were just a few feet away. My pets nearby. The place I’d come home to after every outing, whether it be school, work, a get together, anything. There’s something so comforting about that, right? Home with your family is, at least for me, my place.

And while I know that place will always be there, it’s still really surreal knowing I was taking a step into a bigger world, and that nothing will be exactly the same again. Life is full of milestones, every day, whether they’re big or small. Moving away from home for the first time is one of those big ones.

It’s comforting knowing I’m at a school that isn’t very far from my home home. And knowing I have friends nearby, such as my best friend Luke, and my roommates who I’m already starting to make memories with. 

To be completely honest, as the time grew closer, I wasn’t very anxious. I thought I’d be, but I wasn’t. Even when the day finally came where we threw everything in our two cars and drove the two hours to my campus, I still wasn’t very nervous. As we were setting all my stuff up, and the time would draw closer to my parents leaving, my heart would start racing and my nerves would grow. But after they left, they still felt close. Not too far. I think I was just… ready, you know?

I don’t regret going to community college first at all. After all, it gave me so many memories, knowledge, growing, and amazing people. But I remember seeing a lot of my friends go off to universities straight out of high school, watched so many shows as a kid with teenagers being independent and having fun times together… it was just an experience I think I always wished for and looked forward to. 

But then there was always the concern of my anxiety holding me back. Dealing with an anxiety disorder sometimes feels like there’s this chain trying to grab hold of you and hold you back from living in the now. Or even trying to hold you back from dreaming, of hoping to do things you want to achieve. I want to go to college, but will my anxiety let me? I want to pursue this relationship, but will my anxiety get in the way? It’s an ongoing battle. 

As a kid I think I got used to seeing my anxiety as this separate being, like a shadow that was some sort of separate or alternate mind that was deceiving, irrational, and just a little bit cruel. Only recently have I started to try to minimize it into something small, such as a dust particle on my shoulder I can just brush off. I’ve been trying to see it as a tiny little nagging creature rather than a massive one holding me on a chain. Anxiety doesn’t rule me, and it shouldn’t rule you either. It doesn’t define me, and it shouldn’t define you either. It’s just a small part of us that can make us feel a little harder, worry a little more. And that’s okay. Because when anxiety feels like a big shadow holding us on that chain when we wake up in the morning, we get up anyways. 

This morning I woke up with a handful of extra nerves, my mind going over all the “what-ifs” I often get stuck worrying about that are completely not worth my time (classic anxiety logic) but I got up and started beating it. Started pulling against that chain.

I got out of bed, one pull against that chain. I washed my face, two pulls. Brushed my teeth, three pulls. Got dressed, four pulls. Grabbed my keys, five. Talked to my best friend on the phone, six. Walked out of the house and went to breakfast, even though my anxiety was trying to convince me to just stay in bed and skip a meal. That deserves two extra pulls, so seven and eight. I got to the cafeteria and saw they weren’t serving the breakfast I normally liked to eat, so I tried some potatoes and eggs, two things I don’t normally have but ended up enjoying. Nine, ten. Texted with my mom and sister… eleven, twelve.

That’s twelve pulls against that anxiety chain all within one hour. And I try to remind myself every day that me, an artistic, nerdy, short-haired, badass, small town girl with an anxiety disorder has graduated with honors from both high school and community college and is now living on the brink of Los Angeles, strongly and independently working towards my dream career. So no matter where you are or how you’re doing in terms of mental health and personal hardships, I can assure you, you’re capable of anything. 

Keep pulling at that chain.

- Joely.